This year my birthday I find myself wondering where life will take me next. Closing out the last year of my 20’s feeling this way overwhelms me because it reminds me I am not a kid anymore. And when you get to a place like that you feel like you only have one of two options – give up, or keep going. Stay acting like a child, or grow up. But as easy as that is to say, human hearts are way too complex to make a decision like that and stick with it. One day you’ll feel strong, the next you feel powerless. (Or maybe that’s just me?)
One of the main lessons I have to learn as I get older is that it’s ok to FEEL both. Sad and happy, strong and weak. It’s part of growing up. It’s part of growing. I am HUMAN. And we humans are so flawed in our perfectness.
I used to say a lot “I want to feel better”, but each day has taught me that feeling better is only a temporary fix. We need to get BETTER at feeling. Cause everyday, we feel. The good, the bad, all of it. Let me tell you honestly, I didn’t feel good yesterday. But I had to let myself feel whatever I was feeling, because that is how we get to know ourselves.
I am a dramatic, emotional, girly, big hearted, best friend loving, philosophical thinking, loyal comical person who loves music and cries during movies and never finished college cause she can’t finish anything. I’m so imperfectly perfect; but I’m just me, and regardless of how I feel one day to the next, good or bad – I’m stuck with this girl for the rest of her life… this mind – as crazy as it is, this body – as imperfect as it is, this soul – that will live and love forever…29 years, and I feel like I’m just getting to know, accept and love myself.
This birthday, my gift to myself is forgiveness, grace, and tenderness towards my heart regardless of anything that life brings to me this next year; no matter what I’m feeling, I will know it’s all motions and they don’t stop. So I will be gentle with myself, I will thank God for all that he created me to be, past present and future. And I’ll love that girl that’s about to be 30! ❤️ Holy shiiieeetttt! I’m 29 😩